Maybe I’m not all that different from you. Or maybe I am. But most people I know are controlled (or at least highly influenced) by one or more childhood experiences. I was recently reminded of some of mine in a counseling session a few days ago.

Insights often come with pain. My own ruling triumvirate was comprised of three words: stupid, fat, and ugly. These have stayed with me throughout my life, and they have prompted me to avoid their appearance at any cost. To be seen as stupid, fat, or ugly is very shameful to me. And so I strived all my life to keep these three at bay (with varying levels of success), yet similtaneously feeling they were an accurate description.

We tend to overcompensate for our weaknesses. So, for me, to be uninformed in an area I have investigated is a grave situation. Therefore I have a desperate need to UNDERSTAND things fully; to be caught in an error, or a weak conclusion would be a confirmation of my stupidity. “You didn’t think this through, did you?”

Trouble is, NO ONE can avoid blind spots. But to divest the emotion of shame that comes with a failure in knowledge . . . is a Herculian task.

To be found physically weak has haunted me for decades. When I was a young boy my father used to feel my arms and say, “You’re hard!” This was a great compliment, because it helped to counter the fear I had of being fat. But when I look back at photos of me as a teenager (without my shirt on, no less) I can’t imagine how I ever thought I was fat. As an adult there was a point around 35 years ago when I was closing in on 200 lbs., and photos at that time reveal a protruding stomach. I was so ashamed.

So, I made it a point to be at the gym on a regular basis. And when I received the occasional compliment from the younger guys . . . that really felt good. In fact, after my father’s death in 2009, we moved my mother here near us and I would get her groceries, take her to appointments, etc. but I had very little time to just sit and chat with her like she desperately wanted. Why? Because I had to get to the gym. She passed in 2012 and at that point I would have given anything to have missed a workout in order to visit her.

I couldn’t do much about the ugly . . . “it is what it is.” But oddly, I do recall the comment of the wife of my first employer (I was a teenager); I overheard her speaking about me to someone. She said, “He’s just plain good looking.” I was surprised. Pleased, yes. But very surprised. Me? Good looking? Not ugly?

As I have brought this triumvirate into my marriage and family I have to pity what my wife of 49 years has put up with: a perfectionist whose insatiable self-esteem must be regularly fed with knowledge, exercise, and looking good. I have been a tough nut to crack.

My near death heart attack in 2016 began to put the triumvirate in perspective: no more strength training or running; your age has taken any good looks you may have had; your mind has trouble holding information and figuring out anything complex. So . . . WHO ARE YOU NOW? That’s a question I’ve been answering for almost 9 years now. And you know WHAT? It’s about time!

There was a triumvirate in the Roman Republic, (several over time, in fact); that is, a collection of three strong leaders who ruled over the people. At one point Julius Caesar, Pompey, and Cassus filled these positions. But ultimately the triumvirate system was dissolved and replaced by a single leader, Augustus, ushering in what we know as the Roman Empire.

Maybe it’s time for me to be ruled by a single leader, too, one who claims to be Divine. The triumvirate must GO!